


Of Happiness and Failures

by BluePhoenix323



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Drabble, Gen, M/M, spn 15x18, spn 15x18 spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-10
Updated: 2020-12-20
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:47:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,413
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27492955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BluePhoenix323/pseuds/BluePhoenix323
Summary: This is a small canon divergence AU drabble for 15x18 in which we got the Sastiel goodbye instead of the Destiel good-bye.
Relationships: Castiel & Sam Winchester, Castiel/Sam Winchester
Comments: 4
Kudos: 49





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Spoilers for 15x18 of course! Although, if you've been trying to avoid spoilers for 15x18, I commend you. It can't be an easy task!

It was strange to Sam. The hallway had never felt this long before and he hoped that maybe, just maybe, this was all a terrible dream. That today hadn’t happened yet. That they hadn’t failed in killing Chuck yet. That the hunters were still around, perhaps getting up now and beginning to make breakfast, and that Eileen was still here, that she hadn’t disappeared, that when he woke up, he would have a good morning text from her. But his heart told him there was no possible way this was a dream. 

He could feel his heart was about to burst from his chest by the way. And by that, not his emotional heart, no, this was his actual physical heart practically being pulled from his body. Before today, Sam thought he had known what dying felt like. After all, he had been killed countless times in countless different ways, from being shot to being stabbed, to being eviscerated, hell, he’s even had his heart pulled directly out of his chest before. Truly, he thought he had experienced it all at this point. But it was nothing compared to having Death and her personal vendetta against him and his brother squeezing all the life out of his heart. He suddenly understand the phrase, “the cold embrace of death”. It felt like every molecule of his body was frozen to the ground and the only thing that was pushing him on, making him continue running down this endless, eternal hallway was the warmth and gentleness of Cas’s arm holding him upright and walking them both down the never-ending hallway that was both a curse and a blessing. 

Sam couldn’t believe how stupid he was in sending Dean and Jack to the pre-warded safehouse with the hunters. He had long suspected everyone would need a place to hide so he had warded the safehouse for this very reason and even though it would seem as if the warding wouldn’t have worked anyway as Billie was already dying and would have nothing to gain from killing everyone, at least he and Cas could have been with their family. But, he reminded himself, he wouldn’t have been with everyone. Eileen would still have been gone. And that was why he was here, in a last ditch effort to somehow, someway, get Eileen back so his family would be complete and they really could all have faced the final apocalypse together. What a stupid fantasy that was. Eileen was gone, she was gone for good and it was because of him. Yet, one more person to add to the never-ending list of people he had failed. 

Cas knew they had run out of options. He wasn’t entirely certain why he was still pushing, pulling Sam down the hallway. He had been a soldier for several millennia after all, he knew when a battle was lost, he knew when to accept defeat. So why couldn’t he accept this defeat? Was it because this was the final battle and there would be no second chances? Was he really being that stubborn? When had he become that stubborn? What was so special now? What had changed to make him this stubborn? As they ran into another room and grabbed a knife out of Sam’s pocket and drew the sigil, he suddenly knew why. This was Home, this was Faith, this was Love. He couldn’t give up on Home, he couldn’t give up on Dean, he couldn’t give up on Jack...and he couldn’t give up on Sam. 

Sam, barely able to hold on was still trying to come up with options. “Cas, we gotta think. There’s gotta be something in this bunker that can stop Death or at least slow her down.”

“Sam, there isn’t. The only thing strong enough to take on Death would be The Empty but The Empty can only come to Earth if it’s summoned.” And, just like that, Cas knew what he had to do. 

“Sam, I’m sorry to spring this on you now but I have a confession to make. When Jack was dying, I made a deal. With the Empty. In exchange for Jack’s life, the Empty could take me back, but only when I experience a moment of true happiness.”

“Cas,” Sam started, staring at Cas with wide eyes, “I don’t understand, why would you do that, wha-why are you telling me this now?” Sam could hardly believe what he was hearing. And at the same time, now that he had gained a brief reprieve from Billie clutching his heart, he now felt a different coldness clutching his heart. There’s only one reason Cas would say this and Sam desperately needed him not to say it, he couldn’t lose Cas now too. 

“I had often wondered,” Cas continued with a melancholic look on his face, “since I took on this burden, this curse, what would my happiness look like? What could truly cause that moment of true happiness? And I think I know now.”

“Cas, whatever you’re going to say next, don’t. You don’t have to do this. We’ll find another way.” Pleading was the only thing Sam could do. But he knew it was foolish. When Cas decided to do something, there was no changing his mind. No one would be able to get through to him. It was something he both loved and hated about Cas. 

“You know, Sam, I’ve put my faith in a lot of things in the course of my life. I’ve put my faith in God’s missions, in Heaven’s missions, in saving the world, believing all those things would make me happy. But they never did. And I was constantly disappointed. But I know why I couldn’t find happiness. I couldn’t be happy in the things I put my faith in because they were all failures, everything I tried I failed at, and I lost so much and I couldn’t forgive myself. I would tell myself I don’t deserve to be happy, not with these failures, not without making them right. But you know, since I came back from the Empty, I’ve realized something. Failing is no excuse not to be happy. I look at you, Sam, and you have failed so much but yet you still cling onto hope and love and I realize now, because I knew you, I can find the strength to finally happy. And I’m going to do it now to save you so you can save the world. I thought because of all my failures, I didn’t deserve to be happy, that I wasn’t allowed to be happy. But I know now, that was just an excuse to hide from the pain of failing. I accept my failures now and now I can see and feel everything now and it’s so beautiful and wonderful and amazing and you gave that to me, Sam. I love you, Sam Winchester, your selflessness, you endless never-ceasing faith, your gentleness, I became better because I knew you. Don’t you ever forget that. So many people loved you for that so never lose that. Thank you.”

“Cas-” Sam reached out to Cas and Cas took his hand and squeezed it once before letting it go and holding Sam’s face in his hands. “Whatever you do, Sam Winchester, just remember I have no regrets and you shouldn’t either. Through happiness, faith, and love, I was able to save you and that’s something the Empty will never be able to take away from me. And if there’s one thing I am certain of, it’s that The Boy With The Demon Blood is going to save the world with the faith and happiness he taught me. And that’s something Chuck will never be able to take away from you.” And as a final gesture, Cas kisses Sam’s forehead, this was his final gift and blessing to Sam and just as Billie burst through the door, Cas turned back to gaze at the wall where the Empty was manifesting and smiled as the blackness of nothingness and emptiness engulfed him. 

As Sam watched as both Billie and Cas disappeared into black, all he could do was sit against the wall where Cas had been pulled into. He knew that it was futile, that Cas wasn’t there anymore, but he still hoped that maybe Cas was just on the other side of that wall. That someway, Cas could still be the angel perching on his shoulder and tell him what he has to do next. He doesn’t know what to do next but with Cas’s last words reverberating through his mind, he knows he’ll find a way. He has to if he’s ever going to save Cas. Cas is the one failure, the one loss he will never accept. Sam began thinking to himself as he slowly rose from the floor, still leaning on the wall Cas had disappeared into, Cas's strength and sacrifice reverberating through him, Sam thought to himself, "Chuck had better watch out. This world doesn't belong to him and I'm going to prove it to him and kick him out." And as he turned around and touched the wall, Cas's wall, he whispers, "And when I'm through with Chuck, you're next Empty. You will not take Castiel." And with that, he takes his phone and sends a text message to Dean: We have work to do.


	2. Lost and Found

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been 6 months since Dean's death and Sam isn't coping well. He's lost and he's hoping a prayer may, well, be the answer to his prayers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another Sastiel drabble I’ve had mulling over in my head for a while. So I decided, why not add to the first part and kind of make this a Sastiel Chronicles of drabbles and one shots of just whatever kind of pops into my head. Thank you all so much for reading the first part, it really meant a lot to me. You all were so nice! And I'm really excited about my decision to add more parts to this and I hope you all enjoy it as well.

It had been 6 months since the loss of Dean and Sam could acknowledge to himself that he wasn’t coping well. He was trying, he was trying to live the life Dean told him to live, to live the life he himself had always wanted for himself. But somehow it all felt empty knowing Dean wasn’t around. As a teenager, he had always wanted the normal “apple pie life” -- a partner, two kids, a steady, respectable job, a house in suburbia, family meals, family game night every Thursday, yell at his son to get off the video games, threatening his daughter’s new boyfriend to treat her with respect -- but while having that fantasy, there was always a part of him that felt living this life that Dean and their father had been very vocal about that wasn’t possible, he felt like he could live out this fantasy and be alright as long as Dean was living in this world. Sure, Dean might disown him for running to this life, Dean may never be a part of this life Sam wanted, but Sam was okay with that, he was content with the feeling of just knowing Dean was out there somewhere. Now, the fantasy Sam had always dreamed of felt wrong to him...because he knew Dean wasn’t there. 

Dean, you jerk. That life you wanted me to live, it means nothing to me if you’re still now here, Sam thought to himself miserably. Sam had tried a few half-hearted attempts at dating in the past few months but it was just that, half-hearted. Nothing felt right to him anymore. Not even hunting felt right anymore. As much as he despised the life when he was younger, he couldn’t deny that there was a focus to it, something about it centered him. When he did go on hunts and he saved the kids, saved the dame and damsels in distress, he used to feel better, that everything going wrong in his life, it felt like it could be okay again. Now, he saves who he can save and while he’s glad he was able to help, even hunting doesn’t feel right to him anymore. Sam finds appreciation in doing hunts but also no longer feels that content center and focus he used to feel. He hunts the things, he saves the people, but it no longer feels like the family business. There’s just emptiness. 

And when he thinks about how empty he is, his mind goes to a place it really doesn’t want to go. It goes to Cas, to the loss of Cas. To the guilt of letting Cas go and not being able to bring him back. And thinking about Cas now, Sam decides for the first time to pray to Cas. He’d always thought about it but he was afraid to do it. He was afraid to be left with the knowledge of knowing there was no one on the other end that would hear him. But right in this moment, Sam feels at the darkest and just needs to do something familiar, something that always felt reassuring to him, even if it will inevitably break his heart. 

C-Cas? Castiel? Cas, are you there? I don’t know if you can hear me wherever you are. I doubt the Empty lets you receive phone calls. Or maybe Jack was able to save you? That might be too much to hope for. Speaking of which, you’d be so proud of Jack. He saved the world, just like you always believed he would. If Jack did save you, I’m sure you have lots of things to do, far more important things than listening to the prayers of a broken Winchester. I mean, the last time we were in this situation, I was lost with no soul and you were...somewhere, I prayed to you and you didn’t answer I remember being so irritated with you but now, with all of this time we’ve spent together, I think I understand why you didn’t answer. It wasn’t because you were busy, it was because you didn’t feel like I or Dean truly needed you at that point. And it’s always been like that, hasn’t it? You always place your worth and value on if you’re needed. But I’m telling you this right now, Cas. I’m not praying to you because I need you. I’m praying to you because I miss home and you were a part of that home and I want to see home again. I want to see you again. I don’t know why I’m doing this, you probably can’t hear me anyway. But if there’s a chance you can, just know that when I think of home, you were a part of it and no matter what you may have thought, you weren’t a part of it because I needed you there, you were a part of it because I wanted you there. And I just wish I could have that right now --  
“Hello, Sam.” Sam couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Was he dreaming? Hallucinating? His last hunt was with a djinn, maybe it didn’t go as well as he thought it did. Sam turned around and right before his eyes, there was that familiar trench coat cloaking an individual with blue eyes and dark hair and suddenly Sam didn’t care if this was a djinn dream, he’d happily die at the mercy of this hallucination if it meant he could see Cas one last time. Sam wasted no time, he ran up to Cas, this piece of his home that he’s at last found again and he hugs Castiel for all he’s worth. “Cas, I don’t care if this isn’t real, it’s so god damn good to see you again.”

Cas looks at him with that familiar perplexed expression he always carried when trying to figure out human emotions. And then he smiles at Sam. “I missed you too.”

“How long have you been back?” Sam asks, almost afraid to hear the answer. 

“Since Jack defeated Chuck. He brought me back from the Empty.” Cas pauses before continuing, “I am sorry I didn’t come to you or to Dean when I was brought back. I have no excuse. I could say I was working to fix heaven but the truth was that I was scared. I honestly didn’t know how to face you. We parted ways rather awkwardly.”

“It doesn’t matter, Cas. I’m just glad to know you’re still you and you’re still here. I’ve been so lost lately, Dean’s death, your disappearance, it was destroying me. I didn’t know what to do with myself. Even though you’re here, I still don’t know what to do with myself.”

“Yes, I know about Dean, if it consoles you, he is in heaven and he is content and happy and at peace. You say you’re lost? Can I help in some way? Not that I feel like you need me to or anything. I want to help you, Sam Winchester.” 

Sam laughs under his breath, “you heard the prayer didn’t you?”

“It was a rather potent beacon of yearning.” 

As they walk to the kitchen, “So, do you want anything? A beer, maybe,?” Sam asks. Jack knows, Cas probably deserves one. Cas responds, “Actually, a PB&J sandwich sounds good right about now.”

Sam looks back to Cas with a smile, “are you sure? You said you could no longer enjoy those.” Cas looks at Sam with a whimsical expression, “my time with the Empty, as brief as it may have been, made me realize some things.” Just because all I can taste are molecules, doesn’t mean I still can’t enjoy it. And while I was in the Empty, I found I deeply regretted not having a PB&J sandwich before I was taken.”

“Alright then, PB&J it is”. Sam starts taking out the necessary tools to make this famed sandwich that left such a mark on Cas. And as they sit down at the table, Cas with his PB&J and Sam with a beer, Cas gets right down to it. “Sam, why are you feeling lost? You defeated Chuck, and even though Dean isn’t here, nothing is stopping you now from truly living, so why aren’t you?”. 

“I don’t even really know. I’ve long since moved past the notion that I’d be able to have the “apple pie life.” And for long while now, I’ve always been content with just being a hunter. But since Dean’s death, I don’t feel that contentness anymore. It just doesn’t feel right anymore and I don’t get it. I still enjoy helping people but there’s a spark that just isn’t there anymore.” 

“If I may, Sam, there’s a reason I’ve always felt a kindred spirit with you. At first, I thought it had to do with empathizing with someone who always wants to do the right thing even if it goes awfully wrong as we both have done. But now, I think I realize what we share in our kindred spirits. Not our mess-ups, not our want to do good deeds. This may jsut be a shot in the dark, but it’s no surprise that with Dean no longer with you, you don’t feel passion towards hunting. That was always Dean’s passion, you went along with it because you loved Dean and you wanted to be with him. But even for you, just helping people is not enough for you. Sam, why did you want to become a lawyer? If you simply wanted to help people, there so many careers you could have chosen from. What makes us kindred spirits is not our desire to want to help, its our desire to make things right. As a lawyer, you could not only help people, but bring people closure and I think that’s where your true calling lies.”

Sam let out a breath and then spoke, “So, you think I should become a lawyer? Go back to law school?”

“I’m not telling you to do anything. I’m just making observations and I hope that can help you in what you decide to do next.” Cas gets up from the table, “Thanks for the sandwich, it really was enjoyable and I am so happy to see you again but-”

“You have to leave” Sam finished for Cas, “I get it. You and Jack are creating a new heaven. And go do that. Make a heaven where Dean can be truly at peace, he deserves it. And thank you, I don’t know know what I’m going to do yet but you gave me things to think about and I think with that knowledge, I think I can find myself again. And don’t be a stranger.”

“Don’t worry, Sam, I won’t ever be a stranger again, because you’re my home too.” And with that, Cas disappeared and for the first time in a long time, Sam felt something bright, he felt hope. He doesn’t know what he’s going to do with this hope, but it’s there and he’s never going to let go of it again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading!

**Author's Note:**

> Well, I hope you all enjoyed this. This is actually my first fan fiction in probably about 5 years or so, I'm definitely a little rusty. But after watching 15x18, this popped in my head and I just knew I had to write it. And I also wanted to incorporate some story-telling in here that's conducive towards both Sam's and Castiel's character arcs. In 15x18, I didn't like how the narrative of Cas's sacrifice was so heavily leaning towards Dean so I wanted to write something where Cas's motivation could be his own but still be in character for him. Anyways, I hope you enjoyed it. Positive criticism is appreciated but if you decide to give negative criticism, that's fine, you do you!


End file.
